mia · vida · de · la · amor

...is how I feel.
and jealous.
and so broken.
i get it wrong so often. i'm so sorry.

so many times, especially times like this, i feel like i won't live much longer. i've had that premonition since childhood, so i guess it's all relative. but it feels tonight that no one would miss me. it's a naive, selfish thing. i've just never stopped feeling alone.

i'm sorry.

hallelujah, here she comes...

Current Mood:

lonely

on the mount of crucifixion, fountains opened deep and wide;
through the floodgates of God's mercy flowed a vast and gracious tide.
grace and love, like mighty rivers, pour'd incessant from above,
and heav'n's peace and perfect justice kissed a guilty world in love.

let me all thy love accepting, love thee ever all my days
let me seek thy kingdom only and my life be to thy praise;
thou alone shalt be my glory, nothing in the world i see.
thou hast cleansed and sanctified me, thou thyself hast set me free. 

i've also started reading philosophy again. not that i had stopped, but i hadn't the time. and it's good to be back, to be challenged.

a guy who graduated from grove city committed suicide last sunday. he was in my philosophy classes. i don't really know him, but i think about it.

it steals up so silently, sometimes. comes so softly. forgiveness can be a fragile thing, easily revoked when the heart cares to remember. but it is here. it makes its dwelling-place close by, restoring my soul.

LAST
1. Friends you saw: um...hm. this is pathetic...i guess Candice
2. Talked to on the phone: no me acuerdo
3. Person you texted: Beth
4. Was today better than yesterday: yah, i guess. gotta do something tonight that makes me apprehensive

FAVORITE:
1. Number: 8
2. Season: late spring and early fall

QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Q: Do you like anybody right now?
A: trying to sort that one out. i mean, i do, but it's a complicated situation

Q: What was the first thing you did this morning?
A: hit "postponer"

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: yah, the fact that i'm behind in some things and wondering about friendship

Q: What's the last movie you watched?
A: um...shoot...I really don't remember

Q: Do you smile often?
A: yah, sometimes

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: well...sometimes, because i'm oddly superstitious

Q: Are you a friendly person?
A: yes, but reserved

Q: Where did you sleep last night?
A: in my own bed

Q: What shirt are you wearing?
A: that blue jersey

Q: When was the last time you cried? Why?
A: probably about a week and a half ago. just because i'm frustrated with myself and the situation and the man

Q: What was your last thought before going to sleep last night?
A: i was praying and then sort of went to sleep, so i guess it was something like "let my soul keep watch through the night"

Q: What are you about to do?
A: put a pizza in the oven

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10?
A: shoot...it's always a 10, but right now i'm kind of a 6

Q: If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
A: honestly, a caramel latte from Jammin' Java

Q: Does anything hurt right now?
A: my back and my nasal cavities

Q: What's your favorite month?
A: April and Septembre

Q: What's your favorite bottled water?
A: Jarritos...haha...mineragua!

Q: How many kids do you want/have?
A: um...a few, if it happens

TEN EMOTIONS:
1. Are you missing someone right now?: yah
2. Are you happy?: possibly...it's not exactly overtly happy, but positive, maybe
3. Are you talking to anyone right now?: not really, just occasional comments
4. Are you bored?: not really
5. Are you German?: yah...why's that an emotion? 
6. Are you Irish? not that I know of
7. Are you Asian?: there are rumours of some way back in the bloodline, but we're not sure
8. Are you Italian?: no
10. Do you like someone right now?: yah, sort of...it's kind of ebbing
TEN FACTS:
1. Hometown: Greencastle
2. Hair color: dark
3. Height: 5' 7"
4. Hair style: long and layered
5. Eye color: dark
6. Birthday: 8 April
7. Mood: prosaic
8. Gender: F
9. Lefty/righty: right

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode? 

oh i miss him. and he isn't even gone.
it's never simple, i guess.
oh i wish.

Current Mood:

sad

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
yup yup

3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
always

4. Do you take compliments well?
depends on what they are, honestly

5. Do you play Sudoku?
only once, and...yikes

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
for about a day...then I'd probably give up and be dead

7. Do you like nipple rings?
ew sick no

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
heck yes...every year

9. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married what would you do?
feel sick and creeped out and sad

10. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
date, yes...anything serious, no

11. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
pursued...because I get sad when I feel like I bother people

12. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment.
tired, love, hungry

13. Do any songs make you cry?
yah, but it depends on the mood and the memories

14. Are you continuing your education?
yah, I have been

15. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
yah, but not load it

16. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
to be honest...my computer...too bad that sounds stupid

17. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
:-) Jordan...nothing bad, just shared a bed...gosh

18. Who do you text the most?
usually Becca

19. Favorite children's book?
The Pirate Who Tried to Capture the Moon...or Mr. Bliss

20. what color are your eyes?
brown

21. How tall are you?
5'8"

22. Any secret admirers?
no idea

23. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
haha, about two years ago

24. Favorite ex?
Gary

25. Where was the furthest place you traveled?
Bier Cave

26. Do you like mustard?
yah, beer mustard especially

27. Do you look like your mom or dad?
both, but more like my dad's family

28. How long does it take you in the shower?
10-15

29. What movie do you want to see right now?
Walk The Line...haha

30. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
went to a party

31. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
didn't see it

32. Do you own a camera phone?
yah

33. Was your mom a cheerleader?
um heck no

34. What's the last letter of your middle name?
e

35. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
around 8

36. Do you like care bears?
I used to, for sure

37. What do you buy at the Movies?
sourpatch kids

38. Do you know how to play poker?
no, I forget rules...seriously

39.Do you wear your seatbelt?
yah...haha

40. What do you wear to sleep?
when I'm at home, nothing...at school, t-shirt

41. Anything big ever happen in your town?
nope

42. Is your hair straight or curly?
very straight

43. Is your tongue pierced?
no way, no way

44. Have you ever been in love?
yes, I think so

45. Do you like funny or serious people better?
a nice mix of both...but funny people are easier to get to know

46. Do you hate chocolate?
what? no

47. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
religious preferences and money

48. Are you a gullible person?
if I trust the person, then yes

49. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
no, but it helps

50. If you could have any job what would it be?
happy

51. What is your favorite time of day?
early morning or late evening

52. Are you a generally happy person?
I can be...you know

Current Mood:

listless

I guess I'm just emotionful right now.
I heard from my mom this afternoon that a very dear family friend is crumbling more and more. He was like a grandfather to me when I was small. I knew he'd die some day, but...I just don't want it. Even though his life is losing physical and emotional pleasure, I...wish he could stay.

And then Wolfie's Fer' Serious World posted its series finale last night. I watched it this afternoon before class. I admit it-- I cried. They killed off three of the characters. It was funny at first, until...until they actually died. So yes, I cried. Not just because I felt kind of acquainted to the guys on the show, but because...death and sorrow seem so close on the razor-edge life. Emotional responses are never simple.

I'm really tired.

Current Mood:	drained
Current Music:	Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap

Released from earthly toil and strife,
with thee is hidden still their life;
thine are their thoughts, their works, their powers,
all thine, and yet most truly ours;
for well we know, where'er they be,
our dead are living unto thee.

Not spilled like water on the ground,
not wrapped in dreamless sleep profound,
not wandering in unknown despair
beyond thy voice, thine arm, thy care;
not left to lie like fallen tree;
not dead, but living unto thee.

Thy word is true, thy will is just;
to thee we leave them, Lord, in trust;
and bless thee for the love which gave
thy Son to fill a human grave,
that none might fear that world to see
where all are living unto thee.

O Breather into man of breath,
O Holder of the keys of death,
O Giver of the life within,
save us from death, the death of sin;
that body, soul and spirit be
for ever living unto thee.

Current Mood:

peaceful